Repressed Memories

Some people say that repressed memories are impossible some say they are possible. However for those of us who have experienced something traumatic, but couldn't tell you what it was, all know that they are very possible. For those of us who randomly started remembering stuff years later know that these are real. I am speaking from my personal experience. If you read my last blog then you know that when I was younger I had a teacher who hated me. In that blog I really wasn't planning on even talking about it. It just kind of happened and I decided to keep it in there. You see shortly after writing that I remembered somethings about that year that I didn't remember before. I used to know that I had a best friend, I knew her name, and I remember that she had a blue crayon that no one could use because it was her special blue, I remembered my teachers name and face. I remembered that she hated me. I remembered a time about my experience with the back thing. I remembered the fact that there were very few white people in that school. That's really all I needed to remember. Then as I was writing I remembered more about that year. Then as I was writing an assignment for my college writing class, so many more memories came to me, they just all poured into me at once. I kind of had a mental break down, well really I'm still having one but it's not as bad. I confirmed some of the details with someone who knew me that year. I'm glad I didn't remember as a child, but I'm glad I did remember, I can move on with my life so many things can change now, I think I can become the hard worker that I used to be before all of the horrible things happened to me. I did want to let you know that the teacher did get fired, and that she isn't teaching and hasn't for years. Well by doll faces I'll talk to you in the future. 

The Education System is Broken.

The Education System is Broken.
The educations system in America failed me. So let’s back up and give a little back round about my education. I went to school An in Pre-School where I had an amazing teacher an excelled greatly. In Kindergarten I moved to a different state where I attended School B, I had a pretty good teacher and teacher’s aid. Then there is 1^st grade (School C), where I moved again to a different school in the same state as School B. This time however I had a horrible teacher, her name was Ms. Royal. This school was a different experience, I was a white girl living in a black world, the school I went to was your typical “black school” There were 4 white people that I ever remember in that school the entire year that I was there. One of the ways my best friend that year, another was Ms.Royal. Ms.Royal was a horrible teacher I mean very really horrible. She hated me and had no problem admitting that she hated me, she had no problem telling us that she hated us (Me and my friend) I’m pretty sure she was racist against her own race, which I mean makes since she was living in a black world. I didn’t learn anything that year no matter how hard I tried to, and this Royal Pain didn’t want to teach a little 1^st grader, I have her to blame for that, I’m not even going to tell you all the crap I went through that year, but that school was and always will be on her side, that school didn’t give a crap about my education. I almost broke my back that year, and at this very moment I wish I had written the President at the time like we said we were going to, maybe things would of turned out better at that really crappy school with that really crappy teacher, and she was a really crappy teacher. The next year I moved again back to my original state my wonderful mother had me put back into the 1^st grade (My 2^nd year of 1^st grade) I actually had a really good teacher that year and I was back in the same district that I went to Pre-School in. This year built me up again. I had a wonderful teacher she was actually very fantastic, I learned a lot that year I am so thankful for that year. Then I moved again, I moved to a small town. In the 2^nd grade I met my now best friend KK. This (School D) school was not my greatest but it was nowhere near as bad as School C. I stayed in this school until the 8^th grade. I had a really great teacher in the 2^nd grade who worked really hard to make me want to learn again, I don’t think she ever actually knew about the things that happened to me in school C. I stopped exceling after school B, I’m still to this day traumatized by some of the things that happened that year and not many people know a whole lot about what happened. In 3^rd grade I had a really good teacher and began my love for Science. In the 4^th grade I had a pretty decent teacher, I didn’t learn everything that I should have that year, but I think that was because so many of us in that class worked at a slower pace, so in a way I’m kind of glade, because what I did learn I learned very well and was able to master it. Then I started Middle School, My middle school years were the 2^nd worse years of my school life, it didn’t measure up to what happened in my 1^st year of 1^st grade but they weren’t great either. Teacher stopped caring about how you learned and how you didn’t, what worked and what didn’t. I still had alright teachers, but this is when my already failed education started to fail me even more. In elementary school my teachers worked hard to teach me, to make sure I actually learned something. In middle school that kind of goes away, I mean yeah they help but nothing like they should. In the 5^th grade I did really poorly, part of that was because of all the social bull crap I had to deal with and part of it was because I stopped caring in the 1^st grade when school was more like a torture chamber then it was a school. I didn’t learn a single thing in my English classes because my teacher didn’t give a crap, everything I did to make things easier so that I could hear or see better she just made a way for me to be even more criticized by people who already sucked, she cared more about getting through a unit then she did what we were learning or if we could her stupid writing. Although I actually learned a lot in my social studies class I actually did poorly academically. Science was still my favorite I don’t remember if I did well or not but I definitely liked it. In 6^th grade I had 2 really good teachers, I did poorly in my Social Studies, I never really did well in Social Studies, I never really liked it. The hands on work we did for Science was absolutely fascinating. I read a really good book called Killing Mr. Griffen” We had to write a report on that book. Everything had to be perfect. We learned a lot of grammar in 6^th grade. In 7^th grade I had a very memorable Science teacher. I could go on and on about that, but for the sake of time. English was about reading for the most part or at least that’s all I remember I think I may have actually written more in my Reading class then I did in my English class. I had the same teacher for History in 7^th and 8^th grade (He was also my Track coach in 7^th grade)  I learned stuff in those classes both years kind of blend together, They weren’t my best classes but they were my worst I just never really got into history much. I was pretty good at math, my P.E. teacher 6^th-8^th grade was amazing he also was my cross country coach. I was still able to have fun even though my vision made me suck at anything that involved catching or throwing something. Honestly I’m glad he was my teacher and coach, I don’t know if he knows it or not but his classes having his upbeat personality as my coach and teacher made middle school suck a whole lot less. In the 8^th grade I hated English I was so sick of grammar and I really hated reading because my vision made it hard when you can’t find the next line it sucks. I was in cheerleading in 7^th grade it was fun but also caused social problems. Honestly middle school just sucked because of the very crappy people that lived in that town and went to school with me, but those sort of things do actually get in the way of education it gets in the way of any chance you have at all of actually wanting to learn, I will say I had the most amazing Pre-Algebra teacher in 8^th grade, and I had a pretty great group of friends (4) Then I moved to a town in southern MO for that summer, for the next academic year I moved to school E This is what up until recently I thought was the best school ever. I had great teachers, and great peers, I made a really great bunch of friends, and I was socially active. I did really well academically. I fell in love and back out of love for the 1^st time. The 2 years I was in school E, were some of my happiest years ever. However English was all about grammar and reading. Everything we wrote was about implicating our grammar skills. Then my Jr. Year I moved back to that southern MO town and went to school F. I had great math teachers, a great American History teacher, and a Fantastic Biology teacher where I actually fell in love with Biology. A great band program, a good FCCLA group. The administration in this school sucked they were literally the worst administration I had ever dealt with, like worse than School B’s administration, just in a different way. I had a good English and reading teacher that year but I didn’t actually learn a single thing in English not one single thing. Then my Sr. Year I moved to School G where I was introduced to block scheduling. I was in Chemistry which I had a fantastic teacher for, but began to question my love for science, chemistry is definitely not my best science, although I’m glad I was forced to take it, so now I’m a little bit better off for when I take College Chemistry. We mostly read in English I mean yeah we had to write reports and stuff but there was really no point to those. I was really lazy in personal finance so we are just going to skip that topic. I learned a lot in Psychology I didn’t really prove it very well with my grades but that’s because I suck at tests and test like things but I actually learned a phenomenal amount in that class. I also took speech which I will forever be grateful I took. If you notice, I talked a lot about English classes that is because it was in college writing at my current college that I realized I had been cheated of an adequate education. All through high school I was taught grammar, and spelling, I was taught that papers I turned in needed to be good, I remember even drafts being graded on grammar. Writing was about perfection. I was reading my text book and went “holy crap are you kidding me it’s aloud to be messy.” There is a lot I should have been taught in high school. I am now restarting all of my English knowledge in college, I’m starting from scratch, and while that’s good for me so that I will actually learn it, it still really, really, really sucks that I didn’t get to start learning what I should already know until high school. Rather I didn’t learn it because it was never taught in high school, or because I just missed by going to 3 high schools, and each school having a different curriculum. I now know one thing I didn’t learn that I should of, I’m excited to learn what else there was, but I also have to wonder what other subjects did I miss out on. The special education system is also broken, I’ve seen too many people including myself be screwed over by it. That’s a blog for another time.