A scared perspective of the fourth.
I am literally terrified of the 4th of July (American Independence Day) and why.
Growing up I was always forced to go to 4th of July parties get together, barbecues, and vacations.
Really I was never forced because we all usually forgot of my fear until it was to late. It's not the actual holiday that I am afraid of it's what goes on during the Holiday that I am scared of (Fireworks)
Now let me start off by saying that it's not the sound that scares me but the sight, yes the sight of fireworks scares me. I am going to explain the reason for my fear that I have had ever since my first July.
I was born Visually Impaired, I am almost completely blind in my right eye. This means that I severally like depth perception, now today in my life other then fireworks it really doesn't bother me too much because I'm just used to it. When I was 2 I had 2 eye surgery's that helped with muscle coordination in my eyes. My vision sucks it really does and it's really hard to explain to other people in fact I don't think anyone but me understands my vision completely. But because of my lack of depth when I watch fireworks no matter how close or far away, to me it looks like they are right in front of me and falling directly on me. The fact that fire is getting ready to fall on your face is not a fun idea, and the fact that I'm also light sensitive due to my vision also puts me in a very uncomfortable position when they are close to my face. So even if I was afraid of the fire falling on me I still don't think I could enjoy fireworks. I remember one summer we went on vacation to the lake and my sister and cousin went down to the beach and watched fireworks, as I hid in the room playing Atari loudly. There were also times in my life that I somehow ended up at fireworks shows, I always found a way to cover up my face so I wouldn't see them, I remember one time taking the blanket that I was supposed to be laying on and covering up, because of how terrified of the pretty fire I was, and you can't really explain to a 4 year old that it's not that close when they don't understand the term depth perception. when I was in about the first or second grade my uncle died in a car crash on July 5th while I was a 4th of July party, even though I had nothing to do with the accident, I blamed myself for several years, I didn't even like fireworks but I was enjoying myself at a party while he was dying. So for years and years after that the Holiday I already hated the most became the worst day of the year. In a way that kind of helped me though because it gave me a way to not have to deal with fireworks as much, I was able to hide in my room wish my uncle was around and not have to deal with the scariest event ever. I eventually got over the fact that my uncle was gone and accepted that it wasn't my fault, I still hid in my house on the night of the fourth, there were times that I tried to go have fun and enjoy fireworks with friends but it never really happened. One year when I was in High School and my sister was in college she took me to go see some we sat towards the back, and while I didn't really care for the fireworks I didn't show my fear/anxiety as much, that is the only firework memory I have that wasn't horrible, it helped that by this time I understood why I was so afraid of something that no one else seemed to be afraid of. The next year I had a job at a summer camp that fireworks weren't allowed at for 3 years I didn't have to worry about my fear because I just decided not to leave camp grounds at night. I had actually forgot exactly how terrified I was of fireworks because I didn't have to deal with them, this summer however I was unable to be at camp on the fourth or the days around it, on July 2 I found out how horribly terrified of fireworks I am this year for the 4th I spent my ENTIRE day hiding in the middle of my basement, I went to the one room that didn't have any windows, watched Netflix and only left to go to the bathroom, other then that I was hidden in my basement a friend of mine invited me on a date and I passed it up to hide in my basement. The fourth of July is the only time that I ever wish I wasn't VI, I normally like the way God made me, I don't normally mind that I'm Autistic, VI, or that I have anxiety sometimes. But the fourth takes my life away from me, I often find myself wishing I could enjoy what everyone else is able to enjoy. I really hate the fourth, I hate fireworks, but most of all I hate that I hate fireworks.
Next year my sister is getting married on the 2nd and I'm kind of afraid that I won't have a place to hide, So I need to find a way to not show my anxiety kind of like I did that one time that she took me but better.
